Category: Writers Block
The best of me is gone
The rest of me is flawed
Stained by sorrow
I open up my eyes
And try not to cry
But I’m not dreaming of tomorrow
The clouds are drifting by
The haze is thick tonight
And I feel alone
There’re tear dropps on my face
I’m suffocating without faith
I cling to the thought of home
But home feels very tense
I’m caged in by a fence
Of distress and anger
I lay low for a while
Try to fake a smile
And hope that it won’t linger
I hold to precious dreams
As painful as it seems
And wonder if I am strong
I know there is something more
Than this life and my dying core
To make my dreams live on
I cling to what I know
And want so much to show
The happy side of me
I was left somewhere far behind
A drifter through time
Who was never really free
I hope with all my heart
There will be a better start
To make this life worth while
I want to laugh and sing
To feel the joy this life could bring
And smile, truly smile.
I like how you round your poem. It started really sad, but it ends with a little hope and a little smile. Your poem was filled with exact description of how you felt. It sounded a bit hopeless until you mentioned the beginning of that one line which changed the mode of your poem from being sad to awknoledging that there still hope for some thing good to come. You mentioned on one of your lines that you know that there's something more and along those lines, you were still a bit confused on which direction to take, and your other lines revealed that you have some doubts whether you'll make it or not. I know i over analyze everything, but thats just they way I saw your poem, other than those comments, I really enjoyed reading your poem. Good job.
Heather!
I liked this poem. I thought the emotions conveyed were very well done, and the imagery of both possitive and negative were very well placed.
the poem, written as is, flows well together, and on the page, looks very well done.
Suggestions
I open up my eyes ,
And try not to cry ,
But I’m not dreaming of tomorrow .
Here, I added punctuation at the ends of your lines.
Punctuation is fun to play with, and you do not have to take the suggestion. Adding commas, like where I added, gives the reader a break or acts as a pause, so that he or she can take a breather.
However, this does not have to be done. Just something to think about as you write.
Hope to read more sometime.
Take care
Fonzie